|
[21 Mar 2009|11:08pm] |
I don’t think anyone could ever describe me as "nice" per se. Oh yes, I can be nice if the moment calls for it, or if it is someone I like, and I did used to be quite a bit nicer, but cynicism grows easily these days with our young. I know I was bitten by the bug when I was a mere lad of fifteen and perhaps it's from a life of Xanax, Adderall, Wellbutrin – or from being psychoanalyzed by my parents for the better part of my life, but I just ended up perhaps as a pessimist you might say. However, I can gladly and happily say that for as long as I can remember there is one particular instant that I have found myself deeply in dislike of.
Relationships.
I do not understand what is so good about it, why people strive to throw themselves head first into these meaningless charades and displays of emotion purely to get one thing that can almost come without the devotion required. It all comes down to the same thing in the end, sex. The main purpose of a marriage used to be procreation, ergo sex, people these days get married in white to proclaim that they haven't had sex and ergo, virgins. Old convention's force people to wait until marriage to have sex based on an age-old ideal that if you save yourself for that singular person then suddenly sex will somehow be better, be more meaningful?
I don't know about other people, but I am quite sure my first time wouldn't have hurt any less if I had been with the person I was, or if I had waited for however long in some misguided hope that I would find that one person for me that would stay by my side for all of eternity, love and cherish me, hold me close and warm me through the night, stay by my side until death do us part? I do not see the appeal in that, I do not see how staying with one singular person could make a person's personality change so much.
I hear stories of girls changing themselves to find a man, or men changing who they are and of people changing how they are and how they act in order to impress someone? For all you might hate me, and I have no doubt against it that some of you do indeed hate me, I don't lie to you, I am who I am. Frankly, on the off chance someone ever does catch my eye for more than few mere seconds of pure bliss that comes with the freedom and knowledge that as soon as the sex is over, the ties are gone and that one beautiful bonding moment right on the cusp between reality and bliss, that I will never change for them.
Why should I change what attracted them to me in the first place? Should I change the angle of my jaw, would that change who I was, perhaps I should change the grip of my hands as I hold someone's hips, perhaps the way I speak, the way I act, the simple way I am. Even I, in all my cynicism and wisdom for my years, know that I would rather have 100 so called relationships and be who I am, that force myself to bend to convention for a single person.
Why should I give up the fact that I prefer to have one hundred, extreme connections with one hundred different people all of them different and unique from the last for a life of a single connection that most likely will fade and die leaving the both of us in a sea of torment before we pull ourselves back up again, harder and colder than before.
They're doomed to fail, from the start people and yourselves are working against you. Life is working against you, forcing you to grasp each other with an astounding sense of desperation in the vague hope that if you hold onto this person for just one second longer that it will all turn out well. That you will get married, settle down, have a beautiful house and a beautiful job that you love and adore and that life will continue and life will be good. The sad fact of reality is that it won't happen. You'll break up, have a fight, someone will cheat, there will be unexpected twists and turns and the only reason you're staying is because it's what you know, holding on for the vague hope that someday, somewhere, it will all turn better and that you'll come out stronger than ever.
So yes, I find relationships to be the sort of thing that only fairy tales are made of, and that does not sit well in reality. Of the 10-15 so called "couples" around here that seem to profess love and adoration all over the page day in and day out, I think perhaps one set of you will make it through, will continue for another few years before eventually fading.
So good luck on your heartbreak, bumps do not make you stronger, they tear you apart, pull you down and kick you when you are down. Love exists but it doesn't keep you together, it forces you together through all the pain and anguish and it makes you believe that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
I hope it doesn't bleed to badly when your hearts are ripped out.
|
|
